I always wanted to be a missionary.
After I graduated high school and tried enough of college to realize that something big was missing from my life experience, I became convinced that being a missionary was the only thing that would fulfill me.
So I left college and I tried. I worked and saved money. Then I sold everything I had and moved to Costa Rica for awhile. I joined YWAM and went to New Zealand and Thailand. I travelled the globe looking for some chance to fulfill this desire in my heart to give everything and find my place in God’s plan.
But nobody wanted me.
That’s how it felt. I made mistakes at every turn. My naïveté and ignorance kept me in the dark as I groped about for some sense of purpose. I saw a few things and learned a few things. But all my efforts left me with more questions than answers.
I felt like a student so excited for the first day of school, showing up with a stack of books and sitting in the front row and waiting… waiting. But the teacher never showed up.
And I know that God, by His very nature, is never at fault. It’s always our own wrong perspective that causes the hurt that we think is caused by God. But try as I could, I never found quite what I was looking for.